Nowadays, it’s more important than ever to own your own cow. You don’t want to go out for a hot Friday night on the town and suffer the social stigma of being the only one at the Fuddruckers or the Dave and Busters without their own bovine in tow, chewing up grass and then spitting it out so they can chew on it again. And if you’re trying to get into the internet dating scene? Don’t even think about it unless you’ve got eight to ten pre-loaded potential Tinder profile pics of you and your cow. And yes, it has to be your cow. Don’t mislead people into thinking you have a cow and then show up and be like “nah, that’s my buddy’s cow, I just cow sit for him when he’s out of town.” Nobody likes getting “cowtfished.”
But in this economy, it’s becoming more and more difficult for young people to own property with enough grazing area to facilitate that thrill-a-minute cow ownership lifestyle. That’s where miniature cows come in.
The cow-st is udderly cow-ntemptable
For the uninitiated miniature cows (“miniature” coming from the Italian “miniatura,” and “cow” meaning “cow”) are specialized breeds of cows that are, by all accounts, smaller than usual. That means they need less food, smaller spaces to roam, and tinier Temple Grandin hug machines.
But with a specialized set of physical characteristics comes a terrible price; namely, their actual price. Currently, the going rate for a miniature cow runs anywhere from $1,500 for a pet steer to a cool $10,000 for a fancy heifer or bull. This is per Lovable Little Ones, a website dedicated to the manufacture and sale of mini-moos, who helpfully point out the rule of thumb that “the smaller the cow, the more expensive.”
On the flip side of the equation, a regular-sized cow pulls anywhere from $50 to $150 per hundredweight, which is townie talk for “per one hundred pounds.” Honestly, if you need milk that badly, there are literally millions of cats at shelters around the country that they’re just giving away. Limber up those fingertips and get to work.
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