KFC Selling Chicken-Scented Fire Log To Crisp Up Holidays
KFC advertising is like an angsty teenager — there are no depths it won’t go to try and impress its coolness upon you. It doesn’t just want to be liked … it desperately needs it. Otherwise it’ll never be as popular as fast food’s Prom Queen, McDonald’s.
There was the notorious Double Down, presumably referring to the sandwich’s choice to “double down” on heart disease by replacing the bun with chicken patties. Then there was the chicken pot pie ad, aimed at making a homestyle meal order feel like a scene from a Bond movie. But the only bonding would be the crispy, breaded chicken’s saturated fat content to the eater’s gluteus.
Of course, there’s also Colonel Sanders, in all his “”Who-vian” iterations. But while it’s no longer safe to assume his gender, his stance on chicken hasn’t changed since the McCarthy era.
“Breast cuts roasting on an open fire/ Coleslaw nipping at your nose”
However, this holiday season promises to ignite an inextinguishable new flame for the stalwart fryers of feathered filets. According to CNN, KFC will now sell “chicken-scented fire logs” to warm your buns in time for Christmas.
That’s correct. The chicken purveyors have teamed with Enviro-Log to bring you the “11 Herbs & Spices Firelog,” a fittingly shameless name from a company which delights in shining the blinding light of capitalism into the world’s darkest crevices.
Mrs. Claus won’t smell the perfume in a philandering Santa’s beard amidst the melange of sage, paprika and black pepper wafting through his luscious mane, while milk and cookies will take a backseat to buttermilk cooking.
Like all of the worst representations of American consumerism, it’s only available from WalMart, for a cool $18.99, or roughly $1.73 per herb or spice.
That may seem steep for a piece of wood that smells like a piece of chicken, but the Colonel would agree that you can’t put a price on flame.
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